Don't Let Your Sex Life Define You.

It always makes me laugh a little when people are describing someone they have met, they use things that aren't necessary relative to the persons character. For instance someone might say, "Oh, Lisa! She is so sweet, but she sleeps with all kinds of people." or "I love Mark. It is so great he is gay." Who cares! Does being gay make you special? Does sleeping with a certain number of people take away from the love you are willing to share with your friends? Are you better at doing your job, if you remain monogamous?

My answer would be, 'No.' The fact you have sex at all does not make you who you are. What happens in your bedroom is your business. If you would like to talk to me about it, awesome. I love open conversations or people's willingness to share their personal lives. But, that should never open the door for judgement. Ever. [I have and will probably again be accused of judging. Everyone has. I am not perfect and I am not saying my opinion is the right one.] I believe that we can all learn something from those around us, so it is important to be open and create a safe space for conversation.

I have been accused of being the following: 

• a slut
• a prude
• a lesbian
• a freak
• A-sexual
• a whore

It is funny think about now, but the feeling of being called any of those words does hurts. Those are none of my defining characters. I am smart, independent, caring, filled with an abundance of love, understanding, open and honest. Those are what I would be stoked on hearing about myself. Why should what I am or am not doing in my sexual relationships be anyone's business? It is not, but society has raised to have opinions on things like this. I understand, that some of those accusations are not in fact meant to be hurtful. But, when they were used, they were used to put me down or to shame me.

I will get back to that in just a second, because I have a friend. She is a wonderful, vibrant, passionate, understanding, loving human. She is also a virgin. Now, based on those things I bet you have started to make small assumptions. Throw them all away. They aren't important. She is an excellent human. She is a caring person. That is all that should matter to you. But people who know this assume, she is a prude, scared of loving, making sex bigger than it should be, waiting for "someone" special, a lesbian, ugly or anything else that might describe why she is "defective sexually." When really, why should she want to have sex with people who aren't going to give sex any real value. Why should she just open her legs to be socially "normal'?

She may have expectations, but her and I have something in common. Even thought I have had sex and have a past, I currently share her mindset. Why do I want to have sex with someone who has had sex with all my friends just because. [Which no judgement is being passed, that is just not for me right now.] I want to share an experience. I want to do something that is going to add to my life in a healthy way. Having sex is not a race. It should be valued whether you plan on having one that is monogamous or one based on poly-fidelity. You have to do what works for you, and not let people shame you, or define you by it. When it is all said and done, do what you want. Do what makes you proud of yourself. Don't let others push you into things that aren't right for your life. Don't EVER let people tell you who you are.