Experience, Dating and Sex.

Have you noticed that dating doesn't mean what it used to?

Ask someone if they are dating and they will generally say 'yes' and then that usually will come with stories of someone they are having sex with. When did it actually dating someone become expecting too much or setting your standards too high? I never knew that wanting to eat dinner or do an activity with someone you don't really know was asking too much. I didn't know it was much more acceptable to meet someone at a bar or party, makeout and have sex with them. I didn't know that sex is how you get to know someone. I know that all the best conversations I have about my life happen during sex. Not. I would like to get to know someone on a personal level before I have sex with them.

Call me old-fashioned. I haven't always been this way. For a long time I was all about free love and doing what your body tells you is right. But look where it left me? Alone and lost at an age where I thought I might be married or have kids. I am not complaining. I love where my life has brought me. I am so appreciative of the lessons I have learned and been able to share but, what was the cost?

After years of going against the grain and refusing serious relationships and things I didn't think I wanted, I have trust issues. Not that people aren't worthy of trust, but am I? Am I going to be worthy of someone's love that might not have had the same experiences as me? Here is what I have come to understand about myself. Everyone has chosen their own path. Everyone is given opportunity. Everyone in their life will take a leap of faith at one time or another. Why not put that faith into someone you can love? Why not give people a chance and get to know them on a personal level? Roll the dice and you may win.

Why as a society have we told men, have all the sex you want? Be a man and be with as many ladies as you can. We glorify 'Ladie's Men', but show me a single empowered woman getting and taking what she wants and she is a whore or a slut. I hate that there is such a double standard. How many people can one sleep with without being judged? What gives anyone the right to judge? Why are we even putting ourselves on a path to be judged?

I would like to see a change. I would like to see people getting to know each other. There is no way that after one night of sex and a week of hanging out you will know you want to be in a relationship. There is no reason to put titles on that. Why not just date, get to know each other and see if you even have anything in common? Are we really such lonely souls, that we need to settle for the first person who shows us a bit of attention?

Relationships these days are lacking. They do not have the genuine love, respect or romance. I want to show and be shown that the relationship we are working at is worthy of our time and energy. I want to sweep someone off their feet. I want to not be afraid that I am going to be seen as too need or clingy, because I want to show you what you are worth to me. I realize that there are boundaries and levels of independence that need to remain intact. In my years of experience, I have accused people of being too needy when all they wanted to do was talk to me! I have had such a warped idea of what I wanted. I couldn't see that what these people were trying to do was build a real connection. I am ultimately sorry to all my failed relationships I accused of being crazy, needy, whiny, creepy or stalker-ish. I now can see all you wanted was a genuine connection. It was ultimately my loss.

My hope is for the future. As cheesy as that may seem, I want to see my friends and family in genuine loving and growing relationships. I want to see fulfillment. I want to meet someone who can't stop smiling just because they are in love with something, anything genuinely. I don't think that is too much to ask for. I am so thankful for the people I currently have in my life circles. They are so positive and assuring. They really bring something into my life and I am glad that more than a fickle friendship, I have real relationships with them.

Don't Let Your Sex Life Define You.

It always makes me laugh a little when people are describing someone they have met, they use things that aren't necessary relative to the persons character. For instance someone might say, "Oh, Lisa! She is so sweet, but she sleeps with all kinds of people." or "I love Mark. It is so great he is gay." Who cares! Does being gay make you special? Does sleeping with a certain number of people take away from the love you are willing to share with your friends? Are you better at doing your job, if you remain monogamous?

My answer would be, 'No.' The fact you have sex at all does not make you who you are. What happens in your bedroom is your business. If you would like to talk to me about it, awesome. I love open conversations or people's willingness to share their personal lives. But, that should never open the door for judgement. Ever. [I have and will probably again be accused of judging. Everyone has. I am not perfect and I am not saying my opinion is the right one.] I believe that we can all learn something from those around us, so it is important to be open and create a safe space for conversation.

I have been accused of being the following: 

• a slut
• a prude
• a lesbian
• a freak
• A-sexual
• a whore

It is funny think about now, but the feeling of being called any of those words does hurts. Those are none of my defining characters. I am smart, independent, caring, filled with an abundance of love, understanding, open and honest. Those are what I would be stoked on hearing about myself. Why should what I am or am not doing in my sexual relationships be anyone's business? It is not, but society has raised to have opinions on things like this. I understand, that some of those accusations are not in fact meant to be hurtful. But, when they were used, they were used to put me down or to shame me.

I will get back to that in just a second, because I have a friend. She is a wonderful, vibrant, passionate, understanding, loving human. She is also a virgin. Now, based on those things I bet you have started to make small assumptions. Throw them all away. They aren't important. She is an excellent human. She is a caring person. That is all that should matter to you. But people who know this assume, she is a prude, scared of loving, making sex bigger than it should be, waiting for "someone" special, a lesbian, ugly or anything else that might describe why she is "defective sexually." When really, why should she want to have sex with people who aren't going to give sex any real value. Why should she just open her legs to be socially "normal'?

She may have expectations, but her and I have something in common. Even thought I have had sex and have a past, I currently share her mindset. Why do I want to have sex with someone who has had sex with all my friends just because. [Which no judgement is being passed, that is just not for me right now.] I want to share an experience. I want to do something that is going to add to my life in a healthy way. Having sex is not a race. It should be valued whether you plan on having one that is monogamous or one based on poly-fidelity. You have to do what works for you, and not let people shame you, or define you by it. When it is all said and done, do what you want. Do what makes you proud of yourself. Don't let others push you into things that aren't right for your life. Don't EVER let people tell you who you are.

I am just a normal person. I am not an expert, nor will I ever claim to be. I am just a 20-something that has chosen a different and more direct path with relationships. Let's be open and honest, while discovering our paths.

Whether you are going to fall in love in high school and get married soon after or you have had a late start "blooming", everyone wants to be loved and appreciated. How is one to ultimately decide what is right for them? There are so many options and roads you can take when choosing to love and be loved. Are you going to be on the straight and narrow or are you going to take an alternative road? There is no right way to love..

Except, we were trained and programed by a society of people, who were taught a lot of the same philosophies and "rules" to dating. When growing up if you were given a piece of paper telling you what you should do in life and that is was going to be "right for you", would you have taken that path? Probably not. The good thing about individuality is everyone is different, we all need and want different things. Why should our love lives be any different?

People are so quick to judge things that are a bit different, myself included. No one is perfect, so why the contest? Who is to say what is right for me, is for you? Love comes in so many different shapes and sizes, no one has the same fit. Why is it acceptable to shame someone for being happy? Who is to say that if they are promiscuous or not loving in "the normal" way that they are damaged or hurt, so they are seeking something strange and new to fill a void?

No one should ever be made to feel bad about their choices in the matters of relationships. Love is one of the most natural things. Whether you would like to believe it or not, you can have a relationship with anyone. Basic friendship is a relationship. You have chosen this person to be in your life, you love them, you care for them, you don't want to see them hurt, you want only the best for them. Romance isn't the only or even most important part of a relationship.

If you sat down and really thought about it. You would realize that romance is a small factor in a relationship. You can not have romance without trust or chemistry. Both things that are necessary for an great friendship as well. I personally take great pride in my friendships. Especially now that I am getting older. I have a few friends that I love with my whole heart and it leaves me to think and wonder...

If we are able to have many friends and love them with a deep trusting love, why are we limited to love only one person romantically? Who made these boundaries and why are they applied to everyone? Shouldn't it be our choice on how we choose to give and receive love?

A friend emailed me a quote about love the other day. It said,

“Love [is] the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth.”

– M. Scott Peck 

For as  much as I like this quote, I think it is inaccurate. I think we love to gain and give, yes. But, I don't feel like it should be limited between two people. I think there are many ways to love and how we choose to do it is our own decision and it is up to us to find out "right way to love."

Feel free to email, comment or message me about anything you have to say. I would love to speak with anyone further about this. More posts to follow.

Happy Dating.